I understand what you are saying, but am unsure how to respond to it in a coherent manner. So I guess I'll start off with your overarching question: What is a relationship for?
I don't think it's all about physical intimacy; really that's more of an added bonus. I think that the companionship is a bigger part of it. That "having someone to go home to" feeling. And I think that the most important part of a relationship, to me at least, is having someone to share the things that make you happy with. It makes me so happy when I cook or bake something for you and you eat it, and take time to appreciate it. You love to write stories and I love to read them and help you develop ideas. You love to sing and play guitar, and I love to listen. I like teaching people about things, and exposing them to new ideas and you love to learn. The other day I listened to the version of "Someday, Sometime" that you recorded for me with the piano, rather than the guitar. It was so sweet and heartfelt, and I wish you could see how much I smiled, and how happy it made me. I don't think there are any appropriate emoticons for the situation.
And while it's possible to share those things while physically apart for four months, it's not easy (as you, I'm sure, are aware). I think we have a really strong foundation, and that we'll be okay through these four months. And would we be okay through another two months? Probably, but you know what? I don't *have* to go to Wyoming. I do have to be in London this semester, but everything (our relationship, but a ton of other things in my life as well) would just be so much easier and more practical if I didn't go to Wyoming. Things like: finding housing in Wyoming, finding a job for after I'm done with the internship (how will I go to job interviews?), the trials and tribulations that come with moving cross country, what do I do with Kitty, etc. So at this point, I don't think I'm going to take the internship. Sure, the extra money would have been nice, but I think the cons outweigh the pros in this situation.
How does trust factor into this? I trust you completely, and know that you wouldn't hurt me unless you really thought it absolutely necessary. I think that any doubts I have about the "lasting-ness" of our relationship, as it were, are more of a reflection of my personality than on our relationship, and I hope you understand that, and also don't think me weak because of it. When I was with B., it never occurred to me that we wouldn't work out. I couldn't conceive of that notion, and when it really became apparent that it was never going to happen, I completely fell apart. When I was thirteen, I watched my dad fall apart because he had no backup plan. He had never been on his own and when he was, for the first time at forty years old, he was completely and utterly lost. Like I said, I hope you don't think of this as being weak, because for me, I think of it as watching out for myself and my sanity. For all the major decisions in my life, I've always had a backup plan, in case things didn't go the way I planned. This has helped me to have trust in *myself*, in knowing that I will be okay no matter what happens. I know that any decision I make, although I will have to live with the consequences of that decision, I will be able to make it through, and make things work.
I know you, and us, are worth waiting for. And if things don't work out, they don't work out, and we're both strong people and with time, will get through it and move on. But I'm willing to, and more than happy to, put everything I can into us. I know that for you, actions speak louder than words, which is why you're not a fan of the "I love you too" type platitudes. I know that you wouldn't stick around if you didn't love me anymore, which is why I don't get upset that you're an "actions-speak-louder-than-words-kinda-guy". I trust you to make whatever you think are the best decisions, and I trust myself to be able to live with the consequences of those decisions.
B.
ps. I should (they switch around the schedule every once in a while, but I don't think they will this week) have off Thursday afternoon, if you'd like to schedule a phone date. I have class in the morning, so I can call you from school where it'll be nice and quiet.
No comments:
Post a Comment